How Girls Pose for Pictures

Last weekend after getting dressed and putting on our faces and going through the, “Girl! You look so skinny!” “OH em gee! I love your hair like that!” “Yes, I’d totally do you in that,” myself and three of my best gal pals did what most girls/young ladies/women do before a night on the town; the kitchen photo shoot. Each girl trying to situate herself with her best side angled at the camera, fixing her hair, sucking in her cheeks. We looked less like four goofy girls who had just downed 6 shots of Maker’s Mark and more like a group of Kappa Chi Phappas posing for the annual chapter photo.

Girls have a variety of “tricks” we think will make ourselves look more attractive in photographs. Some of us are more heinous offenders than others, but we’re all guilty of at least one of these:

The “Kissy Face.” I think most girls think it’s a flirty, you can’t have me kind of thing. For me, I think it makes my cheek bones look AHmazing. It became a pretty serious problem for me, as you can see, the “Kissy Face” made not one, not two, or three, or even four appearances, but FIVE times between April 2008 to May 2009, it showed up as my Facebook profile picture.

So many "Kissy Faces"

The next one I don’t understand at all: the “Squat.” Girls think it’s cute to squat in pictures. Even the short girls. Come on, I’m Yao Ming tall, let me be the one to throw out my back and squat, why you gotta do it too?

This isn't as cute as we thought it would be

Why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then there’s the recently-most-popular “Elbow Jut.” Maybe angles are sexxxy?

Here I am doing a solo "Elbow Jut" while seated. Skillz

This one’s a little funny, but still cliché. It’s the, “Let’s Make Fun of Awkward Family Photos” pose. I think this one was designed so we could say, “Look! I can be funny and ironic but look cute all at the same time!” This goes for all cute girls planking, owling, whatevering.

One of my all-time favorite pictures. But we're still guilty of the "Let's Make Fun of Awkward Family Photos" pose.

If it were up to me, all girl group photos would look like this:

This is by far the hottest picture in this blog post, in my opinion.

So this weekend, I vow to keep my elbows angleless, to stand up straight, to do no Tebowing in short dresses, and for all that’s good in the world, to not make a single kissy face at the camera. Will you, my fellow women of this great country, take this vow with me?

“The Text Message Incident”

I figure since it’s been awhile, I can’t just post any dumb blog post. And I really feel like I need to tell this story because it so perfectly exemplifies how awkward I really am. I was blushing even just trying to type this all out. Awwww man, here it goes….

I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend, I think for the second of three times. And we had been together for a decent amount of time and before we had gotten together I had been dating someone else and before him, there was someone else, and before that… well, you can see the trend. I wasn’t *completely* single for extended amounts of time, pretty much since I was 16. I had never really “dated” and I had no idea what criteria was necessary to constitute a “date.” For example, how do you know if you’re just going for drinks or if you’re on an actual date? Unfortunately, none of my friends were writing blog entries with titles like, “So and So’s Guide to Being Single,” therefore I was pretty much in the dark. The only person I talked to it much about was Kassity. And Kassity, I love you, but you were no help in this department and I’m pretty sure you’ll be the first to confirm this statement.

The only awkward blogger I know....

Well, a friend from college that I had kept in touch with after the glory days eventually came to an end asked me if I wanted to grab drinks one night. Just the two of us. No meeting up with other people, just us, and he offered to come pick me up. So naturally I told Kassity about it and she said, “ooooo sounds like a date!” To which I responded, “No way dude, not a date, just two people going out for drinks.” But of course, the seed was planted. I changed my top to something cuter and put on lipgloss. Yes, this girl’s lipgloss was certainly poppin that night.

He picks me up, we have drinks, we chat, I play with my hair, I realize I’m playing with my hair and get really embarrassed, ask myself, “Gracie what are you doing?! You look like an idiot.” He pays for drinks, gets up to use the restroom and I use the opportunity to check my phone. One new text message from Kassity: “How’s it going? Is it a date?”

Oh yeah, studmuffin? Tell me more.

Now here’s the part I just don’t understand how it all happened. I must have closed my texts out, my iPhone crashed out of messages (shocking.), or something because I had to reopen messaging and responded: “I mean… I think it’s a date. He picked me up and paid for drinks….???”

He comes back from the bathroom, we finish up, and he drives me home. After he parks outside my building, we chat for a little longer, big hug and a good kiss on the cheek from him later, I’m actually pretty sure that I had just gone on a date. I walk into my apartment, Kassity isn’t home and I’m wondering why she never responded back to the text I sent her. Fast forward 8 minutes. New text message from the guy: “Well I think he was trying to be a nice guy!” In response. To the text. I sent Kassity.

I died. I immediately wrote back with a plethora of awkward I’m sorry’s and I haven’t been single in years I don’t know how this all works’ and gah’s, hahaha’s, oh my’s, geez’s, and wow I’m awkward’s.

I avoided him like a venereal disease, my friend, the guy who so kindly took me out for drinks, date or no date, for months. The worst part about the whole thing is that at the beginning of the stupid night I wasn’t thinking it was a date, hoping for a date, or expecting a date. Silly Kassity planted that date seed in my mind and I was ruined.

Good news is the guy and I are totally friends again, although we’ve never once spoken about the “text message incident” ever again. And guy: if you read this- I still feel awkward, please don’t bring it up. Kthanks.

Grownup.

This year for Thanksgiving, I’m still thankful for all the normal stuff I always am; cheese, naps, the color yellow, that bum that told me I was pretty last year, my boobs, friends, family, blah blah blah.

Well, this year, now that I am in my mid-20’s and sporting my first, terrifying gray hair, I’m thankful for my graceful transition into adulthood. And not only am I accepting it, I’m embracing it.

There really is some fun stuff about becoming a functioning member of society. And without further ado, here is my list of the things that make me feel like a grownup:

  • I have an investment banker that controls my tiny, little 401K that is invested in a stock market that could possibly cease to exist by the time I retire.
  • I HAVE a 401K.
  • I finally have the confidence to ignore the pushy kiosk people at the mall.
  • I no longer strive to be the most famous female beat boxer, but now just to get Justin Timberlake to marry me because I’m a really good person.

    Definitely one of my proudest moments

  • My LinkedIn account has TWO real jobs in employment history.
  • I can type 87 WPM. Or is that text? Either way, it’s grownup.
  • I have business cards with a job title that isn’t: “Babysitter extraordinaire.”
  • My mom steals MY beer now.
  • I don’t want to go to Dupstep shows anymore.

    I wish I could take credit for this....

  • I no longer openly swear in public, all the time.
  • When my mom makes me sandwiches, I ask her to keep the crust on.
  • I don’t kiss random boys at the bars… as often.
  • Last night at Forever 21, I got a headache because the music was too loud.
  • I extreme walk in a more cautious manner.
  • I suck it up and eat the black jelly beans. Can’t let anything go to waste, we are in a financial crisis you know.
  • I think most everything fishnet is tacky.
  • I hate The Walrus.

    To be fair, they do have good drink specials and free pool at happy hour....

Happy Thanksgiving Y’all! Enjoy your Tofurky!

PS. Fun fact. As I was “researching” for this post, I ran a, “The Walrus Boulder” Google image search to find a logo I could deface. Aaaand if you want to find something funny, run the same search and see what the 11th result is….

Things longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

After 72 long and tumultuous days, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from whatever guy she was married to for publicity.

This woman is such a joke and her entire life is a scam. Since she doesn’t take it seriously, I thought, why should I? Let’s have some fun with this.

Trending on Twitter is #Thingslongerthankimsmarriage and there really are some gems.

Here are some of my favorites from Twitter, some of my own, and some from people I know:

Things longer than Kim’s marriage…….
…. Amy Winehouse’s sobriety
…. Rebecca Black’s singing career
…. Kim Kardashian’s E! wedding special
…. My droid’s battery life
…. Ebner’s hair

Kyle Ebner

Smooth as a baby's buttom

…. The 2011 NBA season
…. Victoria Beckham’s grocery list

Victoria Beckham "grocery shopping"

I hope she keeps a detailed list for the items she needs...

…. Phone conversations with my half-deaf Pop-Pop
…. My most recent bender
…. A Dicky V “Baaaaaby!”
…. The amount of time Taylor Swift had The VMA Best Female Video Award in her hand before Kayne took it.
…. A flight from Denver to Colorado Springs
…. The world “ridiculous” (and the amount of time it takes some people to figure out how to spell it)
…. Sarah Jessica Parker’s face

SJP long face

Too easy....

…. A Broncos’ offensive drive led by Tim Tebow

If you have some others, please, PLEASE share them in the comments. This whole thing is cracking me up.

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: First Dates

Before you start getting all Chicken Tetrazzini on me and saying that I’ve been gone for a while and haven’t been posting and all of that…

Let me begin with an apology:

I know this is lame, but everyone says "awww" to those kittehs, right? Right?

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to talk about one of the things that has been taking up a lot of my time recently: first dates.

 

The dreaded first date is something I wish upon no one, not even my ultimate evil arch nemesis, Luke Walton. So you meet a guy (or in one of my situations, you get set up) and it’s all, ok! Yeah! I’ll get myself out there, totes, this will be fun. And as the hours fly by before the date, the panic sets in. I bet I hate him. I’m sure he’s totally not as cute as I remember. *A million panicky thoughts as I’ve been over before.* Well I would almost consider myself a professional now. I’ve been on 6 first dates in the last 3 months. Professional status, right here. So clearly, I stand in a position to give all of you newbs advice, that I may or may not have learned the hard way, from experience…

Um, yeah, I really don't like this guy. PS I made this picture in May 2009 when the Nuggets were playing the Fakers in the Western Conference championship....

Blind dates are the devil. Avoid them. Who cares if your best friend tells you a romantic story about how her parents who have an awesome marriage met on a blind date. Give me a break, our parents are prehistoric. I’m sure her mom’s dad had to pay a dowry or some sort of gift to her dad’s dad of 20 sheep, 50 gold coins, and 75 acres of land, too. Psh, blind dates, so passé.

 

Conversation topics that should not be brought up are: multiple mentions of cheese and the Colorado Cheese Festivalin November, ninjas and the fact that you once owned a ninja star dart board and ninja stars. Also, don’t tell the story of moving to Texas with the ex, moving him back to Colorado because you pouted every day, then broke up with him once you got him to leave Texas (where he’s from) and then sigh, roll your eyes, and say, “well that’s just a whole other story,” after you’ve pretty much already told him as much of the story as you should ever tell him 2 years into a relationship. Don’t talk about your comic book collection, the fact that you could be deployed at any minute and are really looking for a wife that you can look forward to seeing when you get back in two years, or how much money you make, whether it’s $30k or $100k.

 

What not to wear: a college t-shirt, a sports team t-shirt, a college sports team t-shirt, a conversational t-shirt, a v-neck t-shirt, a damn t-shirt of any kind. COME ON GUYS, is it that hard to put on a button up? Women- find the fine line between looking classy and slutty.

Just say no.

Don’t be late, guys. Women, be 5 minutes late. Enough that he’ll be there first, but not that you look high maintenance. Also- don’t be high maintenance.

 

Do tell him you like to write. Don’t tell him that you’ll probably be tweeting and blogging about this date when you get home/tomorrow.

 

If you get bored, don’t be obvious about pulling supplies out of your emergency Teddy Bear.

Thanks Nikki!

-Call me old fashioned, but dude, pick up the checkon the first date. Dudette, play it cool and say, “you don’t have to do that, thank you.” And don’t act all expecting he should pay.

 

Don’t try to extend a first date into a marathon date with one activity planned after another. Especially without warning.

“So, I had fun! Thanks for dinner!”

“So do you wanna go play mini-golf?”

“Like right now?”

“Yes.”

“Ummmm. I, uh, well, um, I have to get up early. And do laundry. And stuff….”

Don’t tell dead baby jokesuntil you’re 100% certain they don’t have a child at home. Or “Yo Mama” jokes until you know their mom is still alive and isn’t obese, mentally challenged, or otherwise an easy target.

 

Don’t send a text message a couple hours later after you went home and finished a bottle of wine saying:

I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!!!! ;- ) Can’t wait to see you soon!!!!!!!!!! :-* Thanks again for dinner!!!!!!!!!!! :- )

Don’t spend half the date telling the other person about your extended stay in the hospital, your newly diagnosed condition, and point out that “no, you’re not seeing things, my skin really is yellow. I have jaundice.”Actually, you shouldn’t even be on a date if you have jaundice.

 

If you want someone to fall for you, you’ve got to give them something worth tripping over. If you follow my advice, then you’ll turn into some sort of snapping turtle that trips up all sorts of desirable people. Guys, it’s really not that hard. And for those who are wondering, yes, I have been on a second date of all those first dates. And a third. I’m like the queen snapping turtle on the beach. Or the queen awkward turtle. That lays out awkwardly in high traffic pathways that causes people to try to avoid me but every now and then trips someone who’s highly vulnerable and not paying attention….

merp.

Mini-Fridge Update

Since posting my Craigslist ad on Tuesday, I have received some pretty awesome responses. AND I have a $free.99 mini-fridge with my name on it, all I have to do is pick it up.

I wanted to share some of the emails/comments that came from the post and my responses to said people:

Email: “why not join the military? Would that not fix the challenges you’re facing? –xxxxxGeoff@hotmail.com”

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the response, I guess. I have a great job actually. But I really like to shop, drink, travel, and go to a lot of concerts, pretty much live outside my means. I don’t think the military would suit my lifestyle. I hear they are pretty strict and I’m not sure how they would feel about me wanting to sleep in on Sundays and stash Miller Lite in a mini-fridge under my bunk.

But again, I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy day to give me, a complete stranger from Craigslist, this sage piece of advice.

Sincerely,

Gracie

Email: “Oh how I wish that I had one because reading that made my morning and I would gladly hook you up! Good luck, Man!” -redneck-mensa@xxx.com

Hi Redneck-Mensa,

May I start by saying, wow, what a name! Are you a yoga practicing hillbilly? Are you… single perchance? Because I am DOWN.

Also- I’m glad I made your morning! That makes me smile and smiling is pretty awesome.

However, where did you infer from my post that I am a “man?” Is it because I drink cases of beer? I thought the whole spider reference and bringing up the fact that I know what a Rosé is would put me in the girl category. I’m not mad at you, just curious. Because this has happened to me before, people thinking I am a man from the way I write. I need to look into this phenomenon more.

Anways, thanks for the email and that you would give me a mini-fridge if you had an extra.

Peace in the middle east,

Gracie

Email: “I’ve got one for sale, $50. I can send pics if you’re interested” –jesse.xxxxxx@gmail.com

Hi Jesse,

Do you usually troll the “wanted” section, picking out the people who are asking for kind souls to have mercy on them and give them things for free only to shove in their face that you have what they want but are going to charge them a sum they clearly can’t afford? You do realize that there are like 30 $50 mini-fridges in the “for sale” section, right? If I’m competent enough to post an ad on Craigslist, you do suppose I’m competent enough to search in the “for sale” section, yes?

And come on, with an ad like that, you don’t think I would really have to pay for one, did you? Tisk tisk. So no, I don’t want to see any pictures of your not free mini-fridge.

Hugs and kisses,

Gracie

TBAblog.com comment: “All I can think about this ad is this:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Boomerang%20Generation” -thedandygram.blogspot.com

This is a pretty brilliant concept. I actually had never heard of this generation being called the “Boomerang Generation” until this comment. It makes sense. You go out to the bars, run into someone from high school and ask what they are up to and it’s the same thing over and over again: “Living with the parents, but I got a great lead on a job in Denver! Man, I just want to get down to Denver.”

Again though, I’m not working a menial job. My job is pretty sweet. I just want to live a lifestyle that is way more awesome than my paycheck. But good find, FO SHO and thanks for the education on the Boomerang Generation!

Email: “Hey,

I don’t have a mini-fridge for you but I saw your story and just wanted to say that I just got done living with my parents for 8 months at the age of 26. I swore to never move back in with them since I bounced to college at age 17 but I was unemployed and had little choice. The economy is going down the drain fast and it took me almost a year to find a gig. I had to move half way across the country just to get the job. Things could be far worse than living the the folks. At least you have some beer 🙂

AJ” -xxxxxxx@gmail.com

AJ,

I appreciate you sending me an email. I do realize things could be a lot worse. Shit, I could be living in Nebraska. But no, I get to live in beautiful Colorado, with a roof over my head, still living my kick-ass life with my Devil Kitteh.

Hopefully you didn’t think I was considering my plight of being mini-fridgeless to be comparable to that of unemployment or other true hardship. Because I may have an easily inflated ego and sometimes get caught up in myself, but I know the difference between things that suck and things that REALLY suck.

And you say, “at least I have beer.” Well, without the mini-fridge I probably won’t for much longer! 🙂

Good luck with your endeavors and tally ho!

-Gracie

I got a few others, but these were the good ones. And I have a mini-fridge and someone has already offered to put a bottle of Rosé in it, ooooh snap!

This is my rockin new mini-fridge!

WANTED: Mini-Fridge

So. I just posted an ad on Craigslist. You should all check it out:

Wanted: Mini-fridge to hide beer from mom