So I’ve been single for a little over a month. It’s not the first time either. I was once single for 16 years. It was rough. And now, here I find myself single again. It’s really not all that bad this time. I mean I don’t feel so guilty making out with different boys every weekend now. Considering that would get a little awkward, especially when ex-boyfriend would catch me… ohmygawwwd I’m kidding.
But speaking of awkward, in the one monthish I’ve been single; I’ve managed to eclipse just about every previous level of awkwardness I have ever achieved in my life thus far. For those of you who know me well, you are probably in full-on gasp mode. “There’s just no way, that’s impossible!”
Well y’all, I really feel like I’ve outdone myself. In order to preserve some of my own dignity and the privacy of those who’ve been around to experience said awkwardness, I won’t go into too much detail.
Instead I will map out my “Guide to being single part 1 of who knows how many”
- Avoid fully buttoned up long sleeve polo shirt guys.
- Cool apartment doesn’t always mean cool guy.
- A bottle of red wine is probably a little too much liquid courage.
- Always make sure you are sending text messages to the intended receiver and not to whom the text is about.
- If a guy doesn’t make contact after the first date, don’t assume he “lost” your phone number, he just really didn’t like you, sorry.
- Don’t burp so much in public.
- On that note, try to stop saying Phuck so much too.
- Learn some really awesome grownup pickup lines, like: “Want to go back to my place? I have digital cable and half a box of zinfandel!”
- Make sure you have a line too, for all different occasions such as: “Bitchin’ funeral, right?”
- Sarcasm gets lost in translation.
That’s my list so far. I’ll add another installment when I inevitably fail in other ways of being single.