I was in NYC this past weekend. It was amazing. The food was polite, the people were greasy, my friends were weird, and the taxi drivers were awesome…. Yes, that is the order in which I intended it to come out, in case you were wondering.
My trip started out on the right foot, I didn’t even get groped at all by the TSA agents. We just kissed a little, it was nice.
I texted Pony one of the nights, “did you know bars stay open until 5am out here?” (He knew, he missed a flight once because of it and his dad was pre-tty mad about it). Well I didn’t before getting out there. However, every girl that encountered me in the bathroom from 1:45am and later quickly learned I had just discovered the information.
(1:45am) Me to random girl in the bathroom: “It’s 1:45 in the morning right now! I’m from Colorado and this is when I’d be hopping in a cab and going home.”
Random girl in the bathroom: *Completely ignores me*
(2:37am) Me to random girl in the bathroom: “Wow! It’s almost 2:45 in the morning right now! I’m from Colorado, I’m not used to the bars being open this late! How do you do it? I’m HAMMERED!”
Random girl in the bathroom: “Haha… wow, you’re funny, I guess….”
(3:15am) Me to random girl in the bathroom: “Hey… Did, did you know, ha, that barsssss are open til 5 heeere? Haha I’m drunk as a skunk hahahahaha”
Random girl in the bathroom: *My ears stopped working at this point*
(4:08am) Me to cab driver: “Hey mishterrr, me want pretzel. Take me to pretzel pleeeeeeeeeeeaseeeeeee.”
Cab driver: *Incoherent babble*
Needless to say the 9am wake up Saturday morning was pretty ruff. And since the hotel didn’t offer breakfast in bed, I sent KJ and Lindsey out to procure it for us. They are such good little pets. I was also able to secure the greatest NYC tour guide of all time, the “Meat Seeking Missile” Evan Lanoil. Best part about having a private car instead of a cab? I was able to keep away the shakes by drinking a beer an hour. They sell cans of Tecate in deli’s there. It’s awesome. Colorado – take notes.
I saw some pretty sweet things, like piles of trash, tons of girls butts as they jogged around Central Park, the seemingly slimmed down Statue of Liberty, I touched a giant bull’s balls,
got felt up by a latino sounding guy dressed up as our lady liberty, saw my friends Jules, Jessie, and Max (in DC), and made a pretty awesome new friend on the way as well. Also, I got terribly tormented by pigeons. The phuckers out there are not scared of people. I swear one chased me around for more than a hot second.
One of the highlights was dinner in Chinatown. I managed to offend the entire country of China and all of inhabitants in 5 quick minutes. When my “Buddha Lo Mein” was set down in front of me, I turned and asked the waitress, as politely as I could, “Ummm, what is this? I’m not trying to be rude, but there are things on this plate I’ve never seen before in my entire life.” First she couldn’t understand me, then she just started going off in Chinese. The rest of the staff glared at us for the remainder of the meal. Thankfully I pissed them off AFTER we got our food….
Overall, I’d say my trip was a complete success. I only managed to lose a pair of gloves and a scarf, though I did receive a new one via trade. NYC I do heart you (even though I never got the t-shirt to prove it).