I have a date tonight. I’m bringing along my little friend. A zit.
Other than the zit on my face, I’ve been stressing a little about something else: What happens if things start going south? And he sucks? Or chews his food weird? Or touches his junk every 2 minutes? Or believes in conspiracy theories? Or hates beer? Or, God forbid is a Lakers fan?!!?
Sorry, I had to breathe into a brown paper bag, calm myself down a bit… In through the nose, out through the mouth. Repeat.
Ok, I’m better. I’ve come up with some exit strategies. Ways to get out of the date if need be.
Obviously, there is the ultimate go-to:
Me: Sorry, I need to take this. Hello?
Kassity: Hey, how’s your date going?
Me: Aunt Margie is in the hospital? What happened?!?! Oh my God are you serious?!?!
Kassity: I guess it’s not going very well, eh?
Me: Ok, I’ll be right there. Sorry guy, I really need to go. A vending machine landed on top of my Aunt Margie, oh my god! I have to go! I’ll call you another time, ok?
Some other ideas:
-Get terribly sick half way through the date. Bring fake vomit as a prop to really drive it home.
-Ask him how many kids he wants. Tell him I plan on practicing the Duggar (19 Kids and Counting) philosophy. And I want to get married within the next 3 months.
-Disagree with everything he says, even if it’s a lie:
Him: So you said you have a cat, I love cats!
Me: I HATE cats.
Him: Ok, well I really like cheese
Me: I couldn’t like cheese any less.
Him: So, um what do you do for fun?
Me: I like to eat babies.
-Tell him it’s time to go home, Kitteh gets upset if she’s left alone for more than 45 minutes at a time, SOWRY.
-Start shaking my head and saying, “I knew she was right, I knew it…” When he asks (which he will inevitably) “What’s the matter?” respond with, “My mom is a psychic. She told me my stars were not aligned properly tonight and I should have just stayed home. I’m sorry I need to leave.”
-Break out the water works. Think of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the Biggest Loser. Just start crying uncontrollably. Guys HATE tears.
There isn’t one that I’m totally sold on yet, but it’s good to have options. Have any of these worked for anyone in the past?