Being from the Church of Awesome, we don’t tend to participate in the Catholic practice of Lent. Last year for example, I just continued sinning and being selfish as though those 40 days and nights were no different than the rest of the year. The year before however, I gave up swearing. And that actually went over really fucking well.
I usually try to package Lent into a diet deal. Like, no sweets and bread. Well I’m not eating much of either these days, the only thing between me and Gisele’s fine ass body is my love for Miller Lite and Franzia and my entire lack of motivation to do anything other than Gracie’s New New Workout.
And yes, the thought of giving up cheese did cross my mind.
But I bought a really expensive goat log roll cheese just last night and I still have some other artisan cheeses in the fridge that would all go bad in 40 days. So it’s just fiscally and worldly irresponsible. There are children in Denver that have never had anything more than processed American cheese and children in Boulder who’ve only ever had nondairy “cheese” and I just can’t live with knowing that I didn’t eat my expensive cheese when I had the opportunity while these children of Colorado are suffering. Besides, my birthday countdown is officially at 27 days (you all better be thinking about what you’re getting me this year. Hint: VIA Starbucks instant coffee) and I’m throwing that whiskey and cheese party I told you about and how super lame would it be to not eat cheese at my OWN whiskey and cheese party?? I also thought about just closing my eyes for a couple months and giving up sight. But that would make my twice-a-week commute to Cherry Creek pretty interesting, in a totally nonawesome, most likely deadly way.
So what do I do? Give up being awesome? Obviously not, that’s against my own religion. Take the Josh Hotness route and give up sexual pleasure? Please.
I’ve decided: I’m going to give up feeding Devil Kitteh for Lent. It’s going to be tough. She’ll probably scream at me from time to time and try to scratch me and stuff. But I think it will teach her perseverance. You know? Survival of the fittest. Make your own damn dinner Devil Kitteh! No. Can’t do that either. Kassity will be so mad at me because eventually Kitteh will start taking it out on her too…
Welp. I’m at a loss. Another Lent season will pass. I will keep being awesome, eating cheese, drinking beer and whiskey, cursing like a damn sailor, and feeding Devil Kitteh. Just the way y’all like me. You do like me, right? Right? You guys, right?