I have a lot of things on my bucket list. Primarily it’s to attend every major sporting event. But there are some others on there as well. And it’s only fitting that there is one on there that a lot of people think is really strange.
I desire to have an ultimate, crazy, cheating accusations, pregnancy claims, violent, name-calling blowout breakup.
I have fantasized about it. I even almost tried to wrangle in a friend of mine (who most people already thought we were dating) to pretend that our frelationship was a real relationship. But then I thought about what you have to do to convince people that you’re a real couple like holding hands and kissing in public and that was simply out of the question.
And all of my “real” relationships ended in such boring ways. We just simply weren’t right for each other, talked it out, blah blah, some tears (never mine), a little name calling with immediate apologies (sorry guys). Ya know, the usual, boring breakup stuff.
But what I’ve always wanted is to be out in public, at a bar, a party, a BBQ even, and have the most public and awesome breakup ever. I would imagine it would go a little like this:
Me: You’re such a lying, cheating bastard! I can’t believe I ever let you do all of those kinky things to me!
Future Ex-Boyfriend (FexBF): Well you’re a bitch! A big FAT bitch!
Me: Oh no you didn’t. You did NOT just call me fat. I will KILL you! * Slaps FexBF across face *
FexBF: GASP! You skanky, slutty whore! I know you slept with my roommate when I went to Reno for the weekend last year! * Pushes me *
Me: Yeah well he was more of a man than you’ll ever be! Oh and he doesn’t have a premature ejaculation problem like SOMEONE I know!
FexBF: Yeah, well Candy knew how to give instead of just receive!
Me: Oh Candy? The prostitute you cheated on me with? I hope she gives you crabs! * Throws drink in FexBF face *
FexBF: Yeah well she doesn’t have stretch marks!
Me: GASP! You didn’t! Well, well! I’m pregnant! And it’s yours! AND I’M KEEPING IT!
Aaaaand scene. How awesome would that be?