You’re so beautiful, it makes me want to gag

On Saturday night a guy came up behind me and stood a little too close, I turned around and looked at him and said, “Do I know you?” He said, “I thought so, but unfortunately not.” I was quite impressed, although I walked away. He wasn’t very cute. But smooth? As buttah.

I wish I could have been half as smooth when I was saying goodbye to a guy later that night and said, “K, bye. I’ll tweet ya later.” Yes. I told a guy I would “tweet” him later. WHO SAYS THAT?!?! Worst part? I tweeted him later.

I’m working on some better pick-up lines. Because when I tell people my favorite line, they usually just laugh. Is laughing a good thing? “Hey baby, you look so good. Can I buy you a fish sandwich?” People like fish sandwiches, right? I don’t get what’s so funny about that.

Fried "fish" + me = Pure romance

People also seem to be a fan of my line, “Wanna go back to my place? I have half a box of wine and digital cable.” I feel like the wine makes me seem classy, the digital cable makes me seem wealthy.

One I’m working on and haven’t used yet is, “I like you. Almost as much as cornbread. And I like cornbread so much I want to take it outside the middle school and get it pregnant.” Is it too upfront? Or forward?

And of course there is the always reliable: “Nice shoes. Wanna F@*&?”

I think all girls should at some point in their single-life career borrow the poetic words of Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman:” “I appreciate this whole seduction thing you’ve got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I’m a sure thing.”

Hookers always say the right thing.


9 responses to “You’re so beautiful, it makes me want to gag

  1. William Littlehales

    Your “cornbread” line puts a whole new spin on an old favorite of mine:
    “Your place, my place, or right here?”.

  2. “I’d like to take a bite out of your butt.”
    Maybe not as front as your “nice shoes” one, but it gets the point across.

  3. I feel like I saw you this night outside the pub..
    I too have been woring on the pick-up lines
    cause “yeah, you should check out my band (and/or) my music” has NOT been working. so here are my new ones:
    “U’r from tennessee? No? Well u’r the only ten-I-see”
    “hey do you have an advil?” (which is a proven winner)
    “hey my friends and I are aruging over which is better (blank) or (blank)”
    execpt for the advil one the only one I’ve seen work is “nice shoes, wanna F#%k?”

    -G, dope blog as always. see you later.

    • We definitely saw each other outside the pub on this night… haha too bad you missed my “tweet ya later” comment.

      And I like your pickup lines, but please promise me to never use the Tennessee one, ever. Seriously. Go for, “bitchin funeral, right?” before that one.

      Thanks, as always, yo!

  4. “You can stay at my place if you want…I’ve got a big bed” served me well all through college. Recently I’ve been trying to work with “I’m going home in a minute. Are you coming? I promise I’m not a crazy psycho or anything…and I have a big bed,” but the sample size is too small to draw any conclusions yet. Will keep you informed.

    • Guys promising they are not crazy doesn’t usually work for me. Just a heads up. It’s like, I didn’t say you were crazy, why did you bring it up? Because you are actually a psycho, huh? Nooooo thank you. I think you should just tell them you have a sexy outfit to wear for them and dance around in your fire truck costume….

  5. The fire truck outfit worked…might be time to break it out again.

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