Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: Picking a Wingman

wingman  (ˈwɪŋmæn)

I have played the part of The Wingman many, many a times. Most often for my guy friends. It usually goes something like this:

I approach a lady that my friend dictates he finds attractive….

Me: “Oh em gee! That is such a cute top/purse/headband/necklace/etc. Where did you get it?”

Girl 1: “I know, right?! It’s from Forever 21. Don’t you love that place?!”

Girl 2: “Uh. Thanks? It’s vintage, you probably have never heard of the thrift shop.”

Girl 3: “Haaahahfdsf *hiccup* haha Thanks ssso much, you’re like SO pretttty *hiccup*”

Girl 4: “Um, yeah, it’s Chanel.”

Me Responding to Girl 1: *Unimportant girl chatter about things like bras, how much working sucks and Zac Efron.*

Me Responding to Girl 2: *Something mean about being a hipster and I probably had heard of all her favorite bands before they even had names* “so take that.”  *Walk away*

Me Responding to Girl 3: “Hey, you should meet my friend John. He’s awesome” *Walk away*

Me Responding to Girl 4: “I heard a major symptom of chlamydia is bitchiness. You might want to get tested.” *Walk away*

There are usually these four different types of girls. The normal one, the hipster, the drunk one, and the bitchy one. The hipsters and bitches aren’t worth the attention of my dude friends, so I move on from them. The drunk one doesn’t need warming up, the tequila already did that, so the introduction to the guy comes almost immediately.

She looks easy...

The normal ones are the ones who actually need to be primed a bit. We chitchat, become, “oh my god, let’s be best friends!” And bam! She trusts me. Then I introduce the dude friend. I say, “This is John, he’s one of my best friends. It’s like he’s my brother!” Bringing up the “it’s like he’s my brother” proves that a) he’s not a romantic interest and b) I trust him. After the introduction all of a sudden I have an immediate need to pee or take a shot at the bar. I keep an eye on ‘em just to make sure none of her lame friends try to cock-block but usually with the introduction like that, the stupid friends aren’t as wary. I’m telling you, it’s pure gold. I should become a professional wingman and start making some dough.

Now, as awesome as I am as a wingman, I can’t say my friends are equally as awesome. Here are signs that your friends may not be good wingpeople either:

-On a night your female friend is wingmanning for you, she decides to wear the most revealing top in her closet that makes her the mayor of Boob City.

I realize I have a nice rack, but COME ON! How am I supposed to compete with these?!?

-Your wingman says, “Ok, stay right here, I’m going to go find some guys for you.” And when you turn around you see him talking to your two openly gay friends.

-Your wingman says they don’t like your pickup lines.

-Your wingman is your brother.

-Your wingman begs you to leave the bar as soon as you start talking to a potential interest.

-Your wingman starts making fun of your sunburn.

-Your wingman swoops and dives on the person you’re speaking to when you turn around to order a new drink.

Friends, help your friends. Let’s make this world a better place with less cock-blocking, more wingmanning. HOLLA, CITY OF SQUALA!


5 responses to “Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: Picking a Wingman

  1. Hahaha! This has to be one of my most fav’s to date. Love it…soooo will you be my wingman then this weekend, since apparently you are the best?! hehehe

  2. extra kudos. I love it. “your wingman is your brother” lol too funny.

    • Extra thanks! Brother wingman might work for you though- unless y’all have that whole sibling rivalry thing going. It’s a problem for me since mine is 6’4 and over 200 lbs and I’m a delicate little flower…. haha

  3. very very delicate flower….ba ha ha ha. *wipes away tear from laughing so hard* hehe jk =)

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