Before you start getting all Chicken Tetrazzini on me and saying that I’ve been gone for a while and haven’t been posting and all of that…
Let me begin with an apology:
Now that we have that out of the way, I want to talk about one of the things that has been taking up a lot of my time recently: first dates.
The dreaded first date is something I wish upon no one, not even my ultimate evil arch nemesis, Luke Walton. So you meet a guy (or in one of my situations, you get set up) and it’s all, ok! Yeah! I’ll get myself out there, totes, this will be fun. And as the hours fly by before the date, the panic sets in. I bet I hate him. I’m sure he’s totally not as cute as I remember. *A million panicky thoughts as I’ve been over before.* Well I would almost consider myself a professional now. I’ve been on 6 first dates in the last 3 months. Professional status, right here. So clearly, I stand in a position to give all of you newbs advice, that I may or may not have learned the hard way, from experience…
–Blind dates are the devil. Avoid them. Who cares if your best friend tells you a romantic story about how her parents who have an awesome marriage met on a blind date. Give me a break, our parents are prehistoric. I’m sure her mom’s dad had to pay a dowry or some sort of gift to her dad’s dad of 20 sheep, 50 gold coins, and 75 acres of land, too. Psh, blind dates, so passé.
–Conversation topics that should not be brought up are: multiple mentions of cheese and the Colorado Cheese Festivalin November, ninjas and the fact that you once owned a ninja star dart board and ninja stars. Also, don’t tell the story of moving to Texas with the ex, moving him back to Colorado because you pouted every day, then broke up with him once you got him to leave Texas (where he’s from) and then sigh, roll your eyes, and say, “well that’s just a whole other story,” after you’ve pretty much already told him as much of the story as you should ever tell him 2 years into a relationship. Don’t talk about your comic book collection, the fact that you could be deployed at any minute and are really looking for a wife that you can look forward to seeing when you get back in two years, or how much money you make, whether it’s $30k or $100k.
–What not to wear: a college t-shirt, a sports team t-shirt, a college sports team t-shirt, a conversational t-shirt, a v-neck t-shirt, a damn t-shirt of any kind. COME ON GUYS, is it that hard to put on a button up? Women- find the fine line between looking classy and slutty.
–Don’t be late, guys. Women, be 5 minutes late. Enough that he’ll be there first, but not that you look high maintenance. Also- don’t be high maintenance.
–Do tell him you like to write. Don’t tell him that you’ll probably be tweeting and blogging about this date when you get home/tomorrow.
–If you get bored, don’t be obvious about pulling supplies out of your emergency Teddy Bear.
-Call me old fashioned, but dude, pick up the checkon the first date. Dudette, play it cool and say, “you don’t have to do that, thank you.” And don’t act all expecting he should pay.
–Don’t try to extend a first date into a marathon date with one activity planned after another. Especially without warning.
“So, I had fun! Thanks for dinner!”
“So do you wanna go play mini-golf?”
“Like right now?”
“Ummmm. I, uh, well, um, I have to get up early. And do laundry. And stuff….”
–Don’t tell dead baby jokesuntil you’re 100% certain they don’t have a child at home. Or “Yo Mama” jokes until you know their mom is still alive and isn’t obese, mentally challenged, or otherwise an easy target.
–Don’t send a text message a couple hours later after you went home and finished a bottle of wine saying:
I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!!!! ;- ) Can’t wait to see you soon!!!!!!!!!! :-* Thanks again for dinner!!!!!!!!!!! :- )
–Don’t spend half the date telling the other person about your extended stay in the hospital, your newly diagnosed condition, and point out that “no, you’re not seeing things, my skin really is yellow. I have jaundice.”Actually, you shouldn’t even be on a date if you have jaundice.
If you want someone to fall for you, you’ve got to give them something worth tripping over. If you follow my advice, then you’ll turn into some sort of snapping turtle that trips up all sorts of desirable people. Guys, it’s really not that hard. And for those who are wondering, yes, I have been on a second date of all those first dates. And a third. I’m like the queen snapping turtle on the beach. Or the queen awkward turtle. That lays out awkwardly in high traffic pathways that causes people to try to avoid me but every now and then trips someone who’s highly vulnerable and not paying attention….