I have a lot of things on my bucket list. Primarily it’s to attend every major sporting event. But there are some others on there as well. And it’s only fitting that there is one on there that a lot of people think is really strange.
I desire to have an ultimate, crazy, cheating accusations, pregnancy claims, violent, name-calling blowout breakup.
I have fantasized about it. I even almost tried to wrangle in a friend of mine (who most people already thought we were dating) to pretend that our frelationship was a real relationship. But then I thought about what you have to do to convince people that you’re a real couple like holding hands and kissing in public and that was simply out of the question.
And all of my “real” relationships ended in such boring ways. We just simply weren’t right for each other, talked it out, blah blah, some tears (never mine), a little name calling with immediate apologies (sorry guys). Ya know, the usual, boring breakup stuff.
But what I’ve always wanted is to be out in public, at a bar, a party, a BBQ even, and have the most public and awesome breakup ever. I would imagine it would go a little like this:
Me: You’re such a lying, cheating bastard! I can’t believe I ever let you do all of those kinky things to me!
Future Ex-Boyfriend (FexBF): Well you’re a bitch! A big FAT bitch!
Me: Oh no you didn’t. You did NOT just call me fat. I will KILL you! * Slaps FexBF across face *
FexBF: GASP! You skanky, slutty whore! I know you slept with my roommate when I went to Reno for the weekend last year! * Pushes me *
Me: Yeah well he was more of a man than you’ll ever be! Oh and he doesn’t have a premature ejaculation problem like SOMEONE I know!
FexBF: Yeah, well Candy knew how to give instead of just receive!
Me: Oh Candy? The prostitute you cheated on me with? I hope she gives you crabs! * Throws drink in FexBF face *
FexBF: Yeah well she doesn’t have stretch marks!
Me: GASP! You didn’t! Well, well! I’m pregnant! And it’s yours! AND I’M KEEPING IT!
Aaaaand scene. How awesome would that be?
I’m continuing to try to expand the “Why blank is totally awesome” section of my blog, enjoy:
Why being weird is totally awesome.
As a blogger, I read lots of other blogs. One of the things that bloggers seem to love to do is talk about how weird they are. “I’m so bizarre! I like the Garden State Soundtrack and The Royal Tenenbaums. I do odd things like smell my own farts and say awkward things at awkward times!” To me, you just sound like a normal, smelly hipster, which I suppose by transitive properties means you are also a weirdo, but I digress. Being weird isn’t unique, though the strange little oddities that make us all quirky is what in turn, makes us unique.
My point is we’re all a little weird. And I like to think that I have the weirdest, most awesome friends of all. They forgive me for carrying around cans of cat food and tomato soup in my purse. They have finally embraced my ninja obsession instead of being appalled by it. One friend even suggested we go to Ninja Night at a local karate place (!!!). They’ve also finally stopped gawking at the songs I make up and sing for Devil Kitteh and are actually excited about my Cheese and Whiskey birthday party.
Um, yes please.
Now why are they all so understanding? Maybe it’s because they believe in ghosts, want that perfect figure (as a guy), baby talk to their dog (or talk to their dog like a grown human being that will eventually, one day respond), do scorpion kicks, love panda bears, speak in made up languages, steal soup spoons, have obsessions with beans, and come up with things like MVBieber… mind you, these are my friends in their 20’s and 30’s. And you know what? They’re awesome. Because being weird is totally normal and totally awesome.
While I’m diligently plugging away on a Thanksgiving post, I still wanted to share at least something with all my loyal fans (all 3 of you).
So I decided to start a segment of my blog which I will call, “Why ‘blank’ is totally awesome.” I already published my first installment about Ninjas and here is my second:
Why cats are totally awesome.
Just watch this video, I shouldn’t need to say more.
Posted in Awesomeness
I have a pretty abnormal obsession with ninjas. At least as far as 23 year old women go… Some examples:
- On national talk like a pirate day, I take a vow of silence.
- I own ninja gloves that did not come part of a Halloween costume.
- In my room, you will find a ninja poster hung up.
- Once, I went to a pirate party dressed as a ninja.
- In every biography I have to write, I include my love for ninjas.
- I partake in “extreme walking” in order to learn the super awesome skills that ninjas possess.
- If my friends see anything ninja related, they send it to me.
- This is my favorite song:
- This is my favorite thing on the internet:
- When I published boyfriend criteria a while ago, I wrote:
“Must love ninjas”
“Must aspire to become ninja”
- Ninja Warrior is my favorite show on television.
You may be wondering, Gracie, why are you so obsessed? Ninjas are cool and all, but what makes them THAT awesome?
I am so glad you asked.
The six ninja food groups are: 1) Sex 2) Sexy Cookies 3) Small Kittens 4) Vengeance 5) Death 6) Babies
Ninjas fight ALL the time and like to keep kittens purring by rubbing their cute little bellies. If you see a kitten purring for no reason, there is undoubtedly an unseen ninja rubbing its belly.
Ninjas don’t ride bicycles, they ride diecycles. They also have mad yo-yo skills.
You will never see a ninja, never have seen a ninja, and never will see a ninja. IF you thought you saw a ninja you didn’t. The ONLY time you will ever see a ninja is right before they kill you (if you’re lucky enough to spot them).
Ninjas aren’t afraid of anything. Ninja’s boyfriend insists that Ninja is afraid of commitment, but Ninja just isn’t ready to settle down.
It’s even in the bible why ninjas are so awesome. Direct quote: “And then God said, ‘Here you go Earth, Have some ninja.’”
And finally, for all you pirate lovers: Ninjas know how to cook without leaving a big mess. Pirates wipe back to front, and they never wash. Pirates are all co-dependent. Ninjas make complicated desserts, like chocolate fondue or homemade ice-cream. Ninjas are excellent hosts and know how to use a napkin.