Category Archives: Gracie’s Guide to Being Single

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: First Dates

Before you start getting all Chicken Tetrazzini on me and saying that I’ve been gone for a while and haven’t been posting and all of that…

Let me begin with an apology:

I know this is lame, but everyone says "awww" to those kittehs, right? Right?

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to talk about one of the things that has been taking up a lot of my time recently: first dates.

 

The dreaded first date is something I wish upon no one, not even my ultimate evil arch nemesis, Luke Walton. So you meet a guy (or in one of my situations, you get set up) and it’s all, ok! Yeah! I’ll get myself out there, totes, this will be fun. And as the hours fly by before the date, the panic sets in. I bet I hate him. I’m sure he’s totally not as cute as I remember. *A million panicky thoughts as I’ve been over before.* Well I would almost consider myself a professional now. I’ve been on 6 first dates in the last 3 months. Professional status, right here. So clearly, I stand in a position to give all of you newbs advice, that I may or may not have learned the hard way, from experience…

Um, yeah, I really don't like this guy. PS I made this picture in May 2009 when the Nuggets were playing the Fakers in the Western Conference championship....

Blind dates are the devil. Avoid them. Who cares if your best friend tells you a romantic story about how her parents who have an awesome marriage met on a blind date. Give me a break, our parents are prehistoric. I’m sure her mom’s dad had to pay a dowry or some sort of gift to her dad’s dad of 20 sheep, 50 gold coins, and 75 acres of land, too. Psh, blind dates, so passé.

 

Conversation topics that should not be brought up are: multiple mentions of cheese and the Colorado Cheese Festivalin November, ninjas and the fact that you once owned a ninja star dart board and ninja stars. Also, don’t tell the story of moving to Texas with the ex, moving him back to Colorado because you pouted every day, then broke up with him once you got him to leave Texas (where he’s from) and then sigh, roll your eyes, and say, “well that’s just a whole other story,” after you’ve pretty much already told him as much of the story as you should ever tell him 2 years into a relationship. Don’t talk about your comic book collection, the fact that you could be deployed at any minute and are really looking for a wife that you can look forward to seeing when you get back in two years, or how much money you make, whether it’s $30k or $100k.

 

What not to wear: a college t-shirt, a sports team t-shirt, a college sports team t-shirt, a conversational t-shirt, a v-neck t-shirt, a damn t-shirt of any kind. COME ON GUYS, is it that hard to put on a button up? Women- find the fine line between looking classy and slutty.

Just say no.

Don’t be late, guys. Women, be 5 minutes late. Enough that he’ll be there first, but not that you look high maintenance. Also- don’t be high maintenance.

 

Do tell him you like to write. Don’t tell him that you’ll probably be tweeting and blogging about this date when you get home/tomorrow.

 

If you get bored, don’t be obvious about pulling supplies out of your emergency Teddy Bear.

Thanks Nikki!

-Call me old fashioned, but dude, pick up the checkon the first date. Dudette, play it cool and say, “you don’t have to do that, thank you.” And don’t act all expecting he should pay.

 

Don’t try to extend a first date into a marathon date with one activity planned after another. Especially without warning.

“So, I had fun! Thanks for dinner!”

“So do you wanna go play mini-golf?”

“Like right now?”

“Yes.”

“Ummmm. I, uh, well, um, I have to get up early. And do laundry. And stuff….”

Don’t tell dead baby jokesuntil you’re 100% certain they don’t have a child at home. Or “Yo Mama” jokes until you know their mom is still alive and isn’t obese, mentally challenged, or otherwise an easy target.

 

Don’t send a text message a couple hours later after you went home and finished a bottle of wine saying:

I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!!!! ;- ) Can’t wait to see you soon!!!!!!!!!! :-* Thanks again for dinner!!!!!!!!!!! :- )

Don’t spend half the date telling the other person about your extended stay in the hospital, your newly diagnosed condition, and point out that “no, you’re not seeing things, my skin really is yellow. I have jaundice.”Actually, you shouldn’t even be on a date if you have jaundice.

 

If you want someone to fall for you, you’ve got to give them something worth tripping over. If you follow my advice, then you’ll turn into some sort of snapping turtle that trips up all sorts of desirable people. Guys, it’s really not that hard. And for those who are wondering, yes, I have been on a second date of all those first dates. And a third. I’m like the queen snapping turtle on the beach. Or the queen awkward turtle. That lays out awkwardly in high traffic pathways that causes people to try to avoid me but every now and then trips someone who’s highly vulnerable and not paying attention….

merp.

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Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: Picking a Wingman

wingman  (ˈwɪŋmæn)

I have played the part of The Wingman many, many a times. Most often for my guy friends. It usually goes something like this:

I approach a lady that my friend dictates he finds attractive….

Me: “Oh em gee! That is such a cute top/purse/headband/necklace/etc. Where did you get it?”

Girl 1: “I know, right?! It’s from Forever 21. Don’t you love that place?!”

Girl 2: “Uh. Thanks? It’s vintage, you probably have never heard of the thrift shop.”

Girl 3: “Haaahahfdsf *hiccup* haha Thanks ssso much, you’re like SO pretttty *hiccup*”

Girl 4: “Um, yeah, it’s Chanel.”

Me Responding to Girl 1: *Unimportant girl chatter about things like bras, how much working sucks and Zac Efron.*

Me Responding to Girl 2: *Something mean about being a hipster and I probably had heard of all her favorite bands before they even had names* “so take that.”  *Walk away*

Me Responding to Girl 3: “Hey, you should meet my friend John. He’s awesome” *Walk away*

Me Responding to Girl 4: “I heard a major symptom of chlamydia is bitchiness. You might want to get tested.” *Walk away*

There are usually these four different types of girls. The normal one, the hipster, the drunk one, and the bitchy one. The hipsters and bitches aren’t worth the attention of my dude friends, so I move on from them. The drunk one doesn’t need warming up, the tequila already did that, so the introduction to the guy comes almost immediately.

She looks easy...

The normal ones are the ones who actually need to be primed a bit. We chitchat, become, “oh my god, let’s be best friends!” And bam! She trusts me. Then I introduce the dude friend. I say, “This is John, he’s one of my best friends. It’s like he’s my brother!” Bringing up the “it’s like he’s my brother” proves that a) he’s not a romantic interest and b) I trust him. After the introduction all of a sudden I have an immediate need to pee or take a shot at the bar. I keep an eye on ‘em just to make sure none of her lame friends try to cock-block but usually with the introduction like that, the stupid friends aren’t as wary. I’m telling you, it’s pure gold. I should become a professional wingman and start making some dough.

Now, as awesome as I am as a wingman, I can’t say my friends are equally as awesome. Here are signs that your friends may not be good wingpeople either:

-On a night your female friend is wingmanning for you, she decides to wear the most revealing top in her closet that makes her the mayor of Boob City.

I realize I have a nice rack, but COME ON! How am I supposed to compete with these?!?

-Your wingman says, “Ok, stay right here, I’m going to go find some guys for you.” And when you turn around you see him talking to your two openly gay friends.

-Your wingman says they don’t like your pickup lines.

-Your wingman is your brother.

-Your wingman begs you to leave the bar as soon as you start talking to a potential interest.

-Your wingman starts making fun of your sunburn.

-Your wingman swoops and dives on the person you’re speaking to when you turn around to order a new drink.

Friends, help your friends. Let’s make this world a better place with less cock-blocking, more wingmanning. HOLLA, CITY OF SQUALA!

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: Technology and Dating

The internet is making being single complicated. With Facebook, Twitter, Match.com, FourSquare, and well that’s just about all that’s relevant for all us non WOW-ers, there is a whole new set of rules of which we need to be aware of.

Really?

When my mom was around my age, she called my dad’s house to try to get ahold of him. His mother told her that he was at a Chinese restaurant. So what did she do? She called the restaurant and asked for him. Sounds like my mom was a creepy stalker, right? But that’s what they did back when dinosaurs roamed the earth. No one would EVER call a restaurant looking for someone these days. But you have no qualms with looking at 1,235 pictures of someone dating back to senior prom, do you? That’s not creepy, right?

This is a picture of my mom and dad at my age

Facebook is revolutionizing singledom. For example, what is the timeline for friending a potential suitor on Facebook?

These are pretty good guidelines to follow:

  • He/She is a friend of a friend you met at a party/the bars last night and may or may not have hit it off, you can’t be certain you had like 12 beers and you didn’t get his/her phone number: Send the friend request the day after tomorrow
  • He/She is a friend of a friend that you slept with after you met them at a party/the bars last night and may or may not actually want to speak to them again, you can’t be certain you had like 12 beers and it doesn’t really matter if you have his/her phone number or not: Send the friend request right now, whenever you feel like really. Your naked parts have already touched, is it that big of a deal for them to see your “about me” or religious views at this point?
  • He/She is a complete random you went home with last night after a party/the bars and you left in the middle of the night: Don’t friend them, ever. If you can’t stand to hear their heavy breathing, you don’t deserve to FaceStalk them.

Here’s another weird Facebook thing; I’ve gotten asked out on a few dates via Facebook chat. At first I was really bothered. I wondered, what happened to a phone call to ask for a date? I mean, at the very least, a text? Facebook chat seems so, AIM and 1998. Right?

We're gonna party like it's 1999

But it seems to be an acceptable form of dating communication these days and I guess I won’t argue. I’ll go on a date with pretty much anyone; I’m always down for free food, whether he asked me out via Facebook, smoke signals, or carrier pigeon.

We can’t have a discussion about technology and dating and not touch on online dating, ie Match.com. I get it, it makes sense. It’s hard to meet people sometimes. You work 40+ hours a week, have already tapped the mutual friends pool, volunteer with all women in their 50’s+, and play sports with a bunch of surprisingly athletic, albeit weird, technology nerds. When and where will ever meet Prince Charming? Online? Here’s where it gets odd for me. Those profiles are all lies, and as I’ve commented before, photos can be deceiving…  I dunno. I feel like it’s a hot dude/chick’s dream come true but can kinda suck for the average joes/janes. Seems a lot like high school if you ask me….

YAY! Big Boobies!

Hm, that's deceiving

So here’s where technology can take dating to a whole new stalkerish level. It’s called FourSquare. I knew this girl once that would check Facebook events’ guest lists and see if the guy she had a crush on RSVP’d as attending and would show up places she thought he would be. Super creepy stalkerish, right? Well he never knew that and they ended up dating for almost a year. Worked out for her, right? Well the internet has made it even easier to track down your crush with FourSquare. For some reason, I’m a big fan. I like to “check in” the places I am and if you’re my friend on FourSquare you now know where I currently am. Why do you want to know where I am? I don’t know, I don’t know why a quarter of the internet is the way it is or why I share the things I do, I mean come on, I blog for allah’s sake. But if you saw that I checked into the Pearl Street Pub, you could easily mosey on over and “run into” me. I would never know. It’s a pretty popular place. I hang out there sometimes… It wouldn’t weird me out at all if you did that ever. I might be there on Friday, if I am, I’ll check into FourSqaure. Just so you know. You can buy me a drink. I usually drink Jameson or High Life there. High Life in a bottle. Sometimes I’ll be downstairs on the touch screen. Wow, ok got a little carried away there.

Alright, you get the point. The internet has made it so easy to stalk or as some people call it, “communicate” with people of interest and it’s completely changed the dating scene. Want to know what my number one rule is about the internet and social networking? Don’t take it so damn seriously. It’s all one big joke, have fun with it. Because before long, we’re going to be “too old” and our kids are going to be giving us shit because we didn’t realize whatever the 20 years from now alternative to signing a wall post, “love mom” is. All in due time people, all in due time.

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: EX-treme Awkwardness

I’ve been pretty lucky. Most of my exes moved away after we broke up.

There aint room enough for the both of us in this here state!

For a while, one of them even moved to Texas and I got to sing this song all the time:

However, the most recent one hasn’t… yet. This means I was inevitably going to run into him out and about in our nice little Boulder Bubble. I made it a pretty decent amount of time without seeing him and was feeling pretty good and pretty confident. I let my guard down even. Wasn’t scanning the bars when I walked in to make sure he wasn’t there and in a social sense, kind of forgot he existed. Then, in the most surprising way possible, bam! First run in. And literally I almost ran into him physically. Considering he was walking down the sidewalk unaware of his surroundings and I was walking the opposite direction, drunk. And not only that, he was accompanied by a girl I had been to dinner with earlier in the night. My night went from casually learning how to “Dougie” at the Walrus to, “oh we’re going to the Attic? Give me three Fat Alberts and the cutest boy I can find.” (For those who don’t know, Fat Alberts are purple drinks filled with the most amount of alcohol $5 will buy you in Boulder and your first class ticket to at the very least, a gray out.)

Just a standard night at the Walrus

Then it just got awkward. He kept trying to talk sports to my brother, I kept trying hit on one of my best guy friends which was just weird and creepy of me (sorry again, TH). And the girl ex-boyfriend was with didn’t seem to want to look me in the eyes. I don’t know why. Seriously though, I don’t…. Well, I guess I am kind of tall and intimidating… and I could break a bitch, if I wanted to. Fortunately, I can’t find many things worth breaking bitches over, this situation included. I really wish I could properly describe the scene, the friends who were all not involved but knew what was going on looked horribly uncomfortable and kind of horrified in general. I was drunk and offering a guy a ride home on my Dune Buggy. Yes. My Dune Buggy. I never underestimate the power of my drunken imagination.

WTF? Really Gracie?

Finally the group split up and I was left talking to probably the one person who was unaware of the situation which turned out to be incredibly refreshing and worth the awkwardness of the previous two hours. I decided that running into an ex doesn’t have to be entirely painful and you might even be rewarded for being put through the situation. However, fingers crossed that it doesn’t happen again soon. So ex-boyfriend, if you’re reading this, how about we compare schedules so we don’t have to deal with this little mishap again? Mmmk?

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: Exit Strategies

I have a date tonight. I’m bringing along my little friend. A zit.


Other than the zit on my face, I’ve been stressing a little about something else: What happens if things start going south? And he sucks? Or chews his food weird? Or touches his junk every 2 minutes? Or believes in conspiracy theories? Or hates beer? Or, God forbid is a Lakers fan?!!?

…………………………………………………….

Sorry, I had to breathe into a brown paper bag, calm myself down a bit… In through the nose, out through the mouth. Repeat.

Ok, I’m better. I’ve come up with some exit strategies. Ways to get out of the date if need be.

Obviously, there is the ultimate go-to:

*Phone rings*
Me: Sorry, I need to take this. Hello?
Kassity: Hey, how’s your date going?
Me: Aunt Margie is in the hospital? What happened?!?! Oh my God are you serious?!?!
Kassity: I guess it’s not going very well, eh?
Me: Ok, I’ll be right there. Sorry guy, I really need to go. A vending machine landed on top of my Aunt Margie, oh my god! I have to go! I’ll call you another time, ok?

Some other ideas:

-Get terribly sick half way through the date. Bring fake vomit as a prop to really drive it home.

-Ask him how many kids he wants. Tell him I plan on practicing the Duggar (19 Kids and Counting) philosophy. And I want to get married within the next 3 months.

-Disagree with everything he says, even if it’s a lie:
Him: So you said you have a cat, I love cats!
Me: I HATE cats.
Him: Ok, well I really like cheese
Me: I couldn’t like cheese any less.
Him: So, um what do you do for fun?
Me: I like to eat babies.

-Tell him it’s time to go home, Kitteh gets upset if she’s left alone for more than 45 minutes at a time, SOWRY.

-Start shaking my head and saying, “I knew she was right, I knew it…” When he asks (which he will inevitably) “What’s the matter?” respond with, “My mom is a psychic. She told me my stars were not aligned properly tonight and I should have just stayed home. I’m sorry I need to leave.”

-Break out the water works. Think of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and the Biggest Loser. Just start crying uncontrollably. Guys HATE tears.

There isn’t one that I’m totally sold on yet, but it’s good to have options. Have any of these worked for anyone in the past?

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single Part II

“You’re the rule, not the exception.”

This is one of my favorite quotes ever. And I get it from a really lame but absolutely necessary source, “He’s just not that into you.” If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie then you really are missing out. (This goes for girls AND guys.)

From what I’ve experienced in the years and recent months of being single, I’ve just about always been the rule, almost never the exception, with of course, a few exceptions.

As the rule:

  • So I met a guy once. He was cute, we talked about college basketball, told me he liked me, and proceeded to ask me to go home with him that night. I told him, “*giggle giggle* No *giggle* take my phone number instead and give me a call sometime *giggle*.” He was like, “Definitely!” Not only did he never call, I saw him one time in the Dark Horse where he looked right past me, clearly didn’t recognize me and hit on my roommate. The Rule: If a guy is looking to get laid and you’re not the girl who obliges, he won’t call you and most likely will forget he ever met you. To be honest, he probably just made beebooping noises when “entering” your phone number.
  • I “dated” a guy for like 6 months once. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Him starting to sleep with one of my best friends is how I figured out that we were “over.” The Rule: If a guy says he’s not looking for a relationship, he’s not. He just wants to have consistent access to sex.
  • I liked this guy once, a lot. But he had a few not so flattering personality flaws. I asked him nicely to change. When that didn’t work I attacked his psyche to get him to change.  I pleaded with him to change. I told my friends that I would be the one to get him to change. He never changed. The Rule: Guys don’t change. Period. The end.
  • One time I met a guy and he was hot and smart and nice and all sorts of good things. The problem? He had a girlfriend. The other problem? I found out after we’d already hooked up. His solution? Dump her and date me. The ultimate problem? After four months I found out he had cheated on me as well. The Rule: If you start dating a guy that cheated on his ex with you, he will cheat on you as well. Part B of that rule is, if he’s married? He will never leave his wife for you. You will always only be the mistress. If you are the exception and he does leave his wife for you, part A applies. He.Will.Cheat.On.You.Too
  • One of my first ever “relationships” when I was learning “boundaries” (which I still haven’t conquered), I went *a little* crazy on my poor 16 year old boyfriend. Like obsessive and mean and jealous. Oops. He totally didn’t love it and dumped my ass. The Rule: Girls think guys like crazy chicks. Sorry girls, those psycho ladies are the exceptions.

Ladies, guys are simply creatures. If they want to hang out with you, they will call. If you sleep with him the first night you meet him, he probably doesn’t think you are girlfriend material. Guys don’t play games or wait a certain number of days before getting in touch. If they want to see you, they will make it happen.

Don’t forget there are the exceptions. I know I’ve gotten my time on the exceptions pedestal and I know a few guys who are exceptions to the rules themselves. But if you go about your life remembering that “I am the rule, not the exception” then you will have many more sleep-filled nights and less anxiety attacks about whether he likes you or not. Besides if the elephant man can find a wife, then I’d like to think there is hope for us all.
And if you still need further solace, two, count em TWO, guys have fallen in love with this face….

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single Part I

So I’ve been single for a little over a month. It’s not the first time either. I was once single for 16 years. It was rough. And now, here I find myself single again. It’s really not all that bad this time. I mean I don’t feel so guilty making out with different boys every weekend now. Considering that would get a little awkward, especially when ex-boyfriend would catch me… ohmygawwwd I’m kidding.

But speaking of awkward, in the one monthish I’ve been single; I’ve managed to eclipse just about every previous level of awkwardness I have ever achieved in my life thus far. For those of you who know me well, you are probably in full-on gasp mode. “There’s just no way, that’s impossible!”

Well y’all, I really feel like I’ve outdone myself. In order to preserve some of my own dignity and the privacy of those who’ve been around to experience said awkwardness, I won’t go into too much detail.

Instead I will map out my “Guide to being single part 1 of who knows how many”

  • Avoid fully buttoned up long sleeve polo shirt guys.
  • Cool apartment doesn’t always mean cool guy.
  • A bottle of red wine is probably a little too much liquid courage.
  • Always make sure you are sending text messages to the intended receiver and not to whom the text is about.
  • If a guy doesn’t make contact after the first date, don’t assume he “lost” your phone number, he just really didn’t like you, sorry.
  • Don’t burp so much in public.
  • On that note, try to stop saying Phuck so much too.
  • Learn some really awesome grownup pickup lines, like: “Want to go back to my place? I have digital cable and half a box of zinfandel!”
  • Make sure you have a line too, for all different occasions such as: “Bitchin’ funeral, right?”
  • Sarcasm gets lost in translation.

That’s my list so far. I’ll add another installment when I inevitably fail in other ways of being single.

I really wonder why guys don’t want to date me……….