Bloody Harbringer of Doom

Considering it’s holiday season with Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas ahead and a lot of people are traveling to and from DIA around this time, I decided to pull out an old throwback post from the Really Grinds My Gears days….

You know what really grinds my gears?

The big, scary, weird-ass Blue Bronco that stands tall outside of DIA.

(This posting might not apply to you if you haven’t flown in/out of Denver in a while or in my case just taken someone/people who is/are flying in/out…//////) My pal Sam and I have made quite a few trips to the airport in the past couple of months and it always seems to be at night when we pass the scary horse-monster with red laser eyes ready to kill anyone who dares to approach DIA and always have the same exact reaction: Seriously, what the phuck?!?! I’ve started to put out a disclaimer to any out-of-town friends coming in saying,

‘Hey, when you leave the airport, can you do me a solid and not make any snap judgments about my entire state based on any freaky equine statues you happen to spot? That’d be rad, thanks.’

Because nothing says ‘Welcome to Colorado’ like the diabolical horse that gives grown men nightmares.

And upon further investigation, I discovered that this scary demon-horse apparently killed it’s creator. Yeah. The artist that was working on the anatomically correct (yup, HUGE BALLS) “piece of artwork” got crushed to death when it fell on top of him. Pure evil people, I tell ya. Someday it’s going to come alive and punish us all for any lapses of faith we’ve ever had in the Denver Broncos and smother us too with his testicles.

 

 

What I’m thankful for this year

I love Thanksgiving. Well usually I do. Until this year. Being on a diet the last Thursday of November is going to be quite possibly the worst thing in the entire world. But you really have to cut back on calories if you want to look like this:
I realized I have been getting too distracted by how much Thanksgiving will suck this year that I haven’t been focusing enough on the things I am thankful for. To get myself in the spirit, I went back and found what I was thankful for last year:

“This year I am thankful for zippers, that Pauly Shore is no longer making movies, the platypus, pockets, toilet paper, that I never went for a sleepover at Neverland Ranch, and my awkward turtle.” –Gracie 2009

I’d say that was pretty accurate for then and for now. The only one I’m a little confused about is, “That Pauly Shore is no longer making movies,” I’m not sure where that one came from, I mean he’s annoying and all but he coined one of my favorite catch phrases, “Max, look! It’s the leaning tower of Cheesa!”

Not that those things above don’t still count because they do, don’t worry platypus, but let’s go ahead and add a few more.

What I’m thankful for this year:

• My crazy family
• My friends who let me talk their ears off about the most random topics
• The fact that Devil Kitteh hasn’t killed me in my sleep, yet
• Naps
• Finding the inspiration to write again
• The people who have nothing better to do than to hang out with me
• Cheese. Yup, definitely cheese.
• My breasts that seem to inspire generations
• Yellow
• The bum that told me I was pretty last week
• Having the stupidest roommate on earth 🙂

What are y’all thankful for?

Tips for Surviving Halloween Weekend

With yet another Halloween weekend upon us, I would like to share with you all a few tips I’ve picked up over the years and some that those near and dear to my heart have shared with me as well for surviving this crazy time:

-Never trust a male cheerleader
-Don’t go out in a bathrobe and curlers in your hair and get offended when you hear someone say, “Oh my, look at her. She’s so brave to go out like that”
-If you are female: Just say no to any costume that is an occupation with the word “sexy” in front of it. Sexy Firefighter, Sexy Cop, etc
-If you are male: Just say yes to any woman in a costume that is an occupation with the word “sexy” in front of it. Sexy Firefighter, Sexy Cop, etc
-Don’t try to count how many Snooki’s are running around. You’ll go blind before you lose count
-Keep your drink covered at all times, that is of course, unless you haven’t gotten some in a really long time because you have ridiculously high standards and it would just be easier if some guy just dragged you into bed….
-Don’t ride handlebars on the RA’s bike back to the dorm
-Remember that an old sports uniform is not a costume. It’s just a sad attempt to remind people that you used to be an athlete
-It’s probably not a good weekend to try LSD for the first time, friendly clowns could turn scary clowns quicklike
-If you’re in college, be careful about how slutty your costume is. People might mistake you for a freshman
-If at the end of the night you’re all alone, there’s no harm in taking home a trick instead of a treat
-Be aware of the line between “hilarious child’s outfit” and creepy fat guy in a firetruck costume
-Don’t sleep with your ex just because she’s wearing a wig and you can pretend she’s a different person
-Accept candy from ALL strangers. Even men offering you candy from their vans. And especially if he says he has puppies in there too, never turn down puppies and candy
-Jack-o-Lanterns make great vessels for vomit and any other human excretion. Find one before being impolite by spewing all over someone’s yard
-Coats ruin costumes so leave them at home. Besides, it’s never cold on October 31st in Colorado
-Go Trick-or-treating at midnite. The crowds have totally cleared out by then
-If you are sporting fake, large breasts, don’t try to fight the motorboat. Embrace the motorboat. Oh and remember to remove them before vomiting
-There’s nothing worse than wearing your costume home in the morning. Be prepared people!!!

Have fun out there all you ghouls and goblins! And really, do be safe, I kinda like you people 🙂