Last weekend after getting dressed and putting on our faces and going through the, “Girl! You look so skinny!” “OH em gee! I love your hair like that!” “Yes, I’d totally do you in that,” myself and three of my best gal pals did what most girls/young ladies/women do before a night on the town; the kitchen photo shoot. Each girl trying to situate herself with her best side angled at the camera, fixing her hair, sucking in her cheeks. We looked less like four goofy girls who had just downed 6 shots of Maker’s Mark and more like a group of Kappa Chi Phappas posing for the annual chapter photo.
Girls have a variety of “tricks” we think will make ourselves look more attractive in photographs. Some of us are more heinous offenders than others, but we’re all guilty of at least one of these:
The “Kissy Face.” I think most girls think it’s a flirty, you can’t have me kind of thing. For me, I think it makes my cheek bones look AHmazing. It became a pretty serious problem for me, as you can see, the “Kissy Face” made not one, not two, or three, or even four appearances, but FIVE times between April 2008 to May 2009, it showed up as my Facebook profile picture.
The next one I don’t understand at all: the “Squat.” Girls think it’s cute to squat in pictures. Even the short girls. Come on, I’m Yao Ming tall, let me be the one to throw out my back and squat, why you gotta do it too?
Then there’s the recently-most-popular “Elbow Jut.” Maybe angles are sexxxy?
This one’s a little funny, but still cliché. It’s the, “Let’s Make Fun of Awkward Family Photos” pose. I think this one was designed so we could say, “Look! I can be funny and ironic but look cute all at the same time!” This goes for all cute girls planking, owling, whatevering.
If it were up to me, all girl group photos would look like this:
So this weekend, I vow to keep my elbows angleless, to stand up straight, to do no Tebowing in short dresses, and for all that’s good in the world, to not make a single kissy face at the camera. Will you, my fellow women of this great country, take this vow with me?