Category Archives: Humor

How Girls Pose for Pictures

Last weekend after getting dressed and putting on our faces and going through the, “Girl! You look so skinny!” “OH em gee! I love your hair like that!” “Yes, I’d totally do you in that,” myself and three of my best gal pals did what most girls/young ladies/women do before a night on the town; the kitchen photo shoot. Each girl trying to situate herself with her best side angled at the camera, fixing her hair, sucking in her cheeks. We looked less like four goofy girls who had just downed 6 shots of Maker’s Mark and more like a group of Kappa Chi Phappas posing for the annual chapter photo.

Girls have a variety of “tricks” we think will make ourselves look more attractive in photographs. Some of us are more heinous offenders than others, but we’re all guilty of at least one of these:

The “Kissy Face.” I think most girls think it’s a flirty, you can’t have me kind of thing. For me, I think it makes my cheek bones look AHmazing. It became a pretty serious problem for me, as you can see, the “Kissy Face” made not one, not two, or three, or even four appearances, but FIVE times between April 2008 to May 2009, it showed up as my Facebook profile picture.

So many "Kissy Faces"

The next one I don’t understand at all: the “Squat.” Girls think it’s cute to squat in pictures. Even the short girls. Come on, I’m Yao Ming tall, let me be the one to throw out my back and squat, why you gotta do it too?

This isn't as cute as we thought it would be

Why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then there’s the recently-most-popular “Elbow Jut.” Maybe angles are sexxxy?

Here I am doing a solo "Elbow Jut" while seated. Skillz

This one’s a little funny, but still cliché. It’s the, “Let’s Make Fun of Awkward Family Photos” pose. I think this one was designed so we could say, “Look! I can be funny and ironic but look cute all at the same time!” This goes for all cute girls planking, owling, whatevering.

One of my all-time favorite pictures. But we're still guilty of the "Let's Make Fun of Awkward Family Photos" pose.

If it were up to me, all girl group photos would look like this:

This is by far the hottest picture in this blog post, in my opinion.

So this weekend, I vow to keep my elbows angleless, to stand up straight, to do no Tebowing in short dresses, and for all that’s good in the world, to not make a single kissy face at the camera. Will you, my fellow women of this great country, take this vow with me?

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Things longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

After 72 long and tumultuous days, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from whatever guy she was married to for publicity.

This woman is such a joke and her entire life is a scam. Since she doesn’t take it seriously, I thought, why should I? Let’s have some fun with this.

Trending on Twitter is #Thingslongerthankimsmarriage and there really are some gems.

Here are some of my favorites from Twitter, some of my own, and some from people I know:

Things longer than Kim’s marriage…….
…. Amy Winehouse’s sobriety
…. Rebecca Black’s singing career
…. Kim Kardashian’s E! wedding special
…. My droid’s battery life
…. Ebner’s hair

Kyle Ebner

Smooth as a baby's buttom

…. The 2011 NBA season
…. Victoria Beckham’s grocery list

Victoria Beckham "grocery shopping"

I hope she keeps a detailed list for the items she needs...

…. Phone conversations with my half-deaf Pop-Pop
…. My most recent bender
…. A Dicky V “Baaaaaby!”
…. The amount of time Taylor Swift had The VMA Best Female Video Award in her hand before Kayne took it.
…. A flight from Denver to Colorado Springs
…. The world “ridiculous” (and the amount of time it takes some people to figure out how to spell it)
…. Sarah Jessica Parker’s face

SJP long face

Too easy....

…. A Broncos’ offensive drive led by Tim Tebow

If you have some others, please, PLEASE share them in the comments. This whole thing is cracking me up.

The Time I Got Unintentionally Outfunnied.

You all know how hilarious I am. Especially when I share my really funny jokes with y’all.

There was this one time though, that I was trying to tell a joke to a friend via text and I wasn’t the funnier one in the conversation. Now, this is one special friend, let’s call him “J.” And with his specialness he managed to unintentionally outfunny me.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Gracie- “How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

J- “?”

J- “I love you”

Gracie- “Let’s go ride bikes!”

J- “Where to..?”

Gracie- “That’s the joke! And I love you too!”

J- “I will literally ride bikes right now.”

Gracie- “No. That’s the punchline of the joke dummy.”

J- “That does not matter. Let’s get on some wheels.”

I couldn’t decide if he was brilliant or just ADD himself…

ADD Bikes

Funny AND artistic? How do you mere mortals stand to live among me?

A Couple of Jokes

I feel funny today.

-Knock Knock.
-Who’s there?
-To.
-To who?
-To whom.

-How do you kill a blonde?
-Well, there are many ways. But all of which are illegal. Murder is a serious crime.

-Yo mama is so fat! SO fat that she should probably be concerned about the consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle, like diabetes and heart disease.

Hipster Kitty

I did, it's true.

Devil Kitteh’s Guidelines For Being A Cat

Rule #1: Where is a good place to be a cat? Start with being in the most inconvenient place for a cat to be.

Rule #2: If there is someone with whom you reside who provides you with food, pets, and fresh water, it’s incredibly important to disregard this individual, treat it with indifference, and if the opportunity arises, attack said individual while it is asleep.

Rule #3: That thing that is attached to your behind? IT MUST DIE. Do anything in your power to destroy it.

Rule #4: You need not obey the law of gravity.

Rule #5: Rubber bands, rings, and pens are fun to play with and attack. Do not attack any living creatures like mice or bugs though, no matter how much that disgusting person who provides you with food wants you to.

Rule #6: Do not drink fresh water from a bowl designated for you. You must only drink water in tall glasses that your head can not easily fit into. The more the food provider protests you drinking from this receptacle, the more determined you must become.

Rule #7: When a human calls for you; sit like this:

Such a bitch...

Rule #8: Follow these rules. Or don’t. You’re a cat.

Whiskey is Addicted to Me

My mom doesn’t like how much I talk about loving whiskey on my blog. But I *love* whiskey. Sooooo, I drew this:

The time I got blamed for a fart in first grade

I did a lot of embarrassing things in first grade, like the time I puked in front of my whole class, I accidentally kicked a kid in the head while on the monkey bars and gave him a concussion, locked the boy I liked in a closet until he would kiss me… yeah I was such a vixen even at age 6.

That was all pretty bad, but the most embarrassing thing that happened to me in first grade, I didn’t even do. I was in music class and we all sat Indian Style – which I can guarantee they don’t call it that anymore because the Boulder parents had to have eventually complained that it was culturally insensitive…. Oh Boulder how I love and loathe thee. Anyways, we would sit cross-legged in rows while we sang, listened to the crazy teacher sing and tell crazy stories, play instruments, all the fun things that 6 year olds do.

Well, one day as we sat there, the boy behind me farted while the room was completely silent. Instead of just ignoring it, my crazy-ass music teacher throws her head up with her crazy curly hair and screeches, “WHO DID THAT???”

Of course, the classroom full of 5 and 6 year olds burst into a giggle fit because not only is farting hilarious, but a teacher demanding to know who did it is even more riotous. So here is where it gets bad, I turned around to look at the perpetrator, when I saw him (in dramatic slow motion) pull his hand up and point at me and say, “GRACIE DID IT!” Which then threw the entire classroom into an even more uproarious fit. I immediately proclaimed with tears starting to well up in my eyes, “It wasn’t me!” At which my crazy music teacher replied, “Gracie, take responsibility for your actions so we can just move on.” Me: “Bbbbb…bbbbut, I swear. It wwwww…wwwasn’t me!” Crazy music teacher: “Gracie, this isn’t funny. I’m going to deduct star points from the day if you don’t just admit to passing gas in my classroom.” Now listen here. Star points meant everything. And I was such a goody two-shoes that the thought of losing a single star point threw me into hysterics. So with tears streaming down my face I finally said in the quietest, little girl voice ever, “It was me. I farted.” The entire class roared and started chanting, “GRACIE FARTED! GRACIE FARTED!” I had to hear that chant for the rest of the day, but you better believe I had full star points for the day as well. And luckily first graders have short term memories and by the next day everyone had forgotten. I didn’t. Obviously, I still haven’t.