Category Archives: Social

“The Text Message Incident”

I figure since it’s been awhile, I can’t just post any dumb blog post. And I really feel like I need to tell this story because it so perfectly exemplifies how awkward I really am. I was blushing even just trying to type this all out. Awwww man, here it goes….

I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend, I think for the second of three times. And we had been together for a decent amount of time and before we had gotten together I had been dating someone else and before him, there was someone else, and before that… well, you can see the trend. I wasn’t *completely* single for extended amounts of time, pretty much since I was 16. I had never really “dated” and I had no idea what criteria was necessary to constitute a “date.” For example, how do you know if you’re just going for drinks or if you’re on an actual date? Unfortunately, none of my friends were writing blog entries with titles like, “So and So’s Guide to Being Single,” therefore I was pretty much in the dark. The only person I talked to it much about was Kassity. And Kassity, I love you, but you were no help in this department and I’m pretty sure you’ll be the first to confirm this statement.

The only awkward blogger I know....

Well, a friend from college that I had kept in touch with after the glory days eventually came to an end asked me if I wanted to grab drinks one night. Just the two of us. No meeting up with other people, just us, and he offered to come pick me up. So naturally I told Kassity about it and she said, “ooooo sounds like a date!” To which I responded, “No way dude, not a date, just two people going out for drinks.” But of course, the seed was planted. I changed my top to something cuter and put on lipgloss. Yes, this girl’s lipgloss was certainly poppin that night.

He picks me up, we have drinks, we chat, I play with my hair, I realize I’m playing with my hair and get really embarrassed, ask myself, “Gracie what are you doing?! You look like an idiot.” He pays for drinks, gets up to use the restroom and I use the opportunity to check my phone. One new text message from Kassity: “How’s it going? Is it a date?”

Oh yeah, studmuffin? Tell me more.

Now here’s the part I just don’t understand how it all happened. I must have closed my texts out, my iPhone crashed out of messages (shocking.), or something because I had to reopen messaging and responded: “I mean… I think it’s a date. He picked me up and paid for drinks….???”

He comes back from the bathroom, we finish up, and he drives me home. After he parks outside my building, we chat for a little longer, big hug and a good kiss on the cheek from him later, I’m actually pretty sure that I had just gone on a date. I walk into my apartment, Kassity isn’t home and I’m wondering why she never responded back to the text I sent her. Fast forward 8 minutes. New text message from the guy: “Well I think he was trying to be a nice guy!” In response. To the text. I sent Kassity.

I died. I immediately wrote back with a plethora of awkward I’m sorry’s and I haven’t been single in years I don’t know how this all works’ and gah’s, hahaha’s, oh my’s, geez’s, and wow I’m awkward’s.

I avoided him like a venereal disease, my friend, the guy who so kindly took me out for drinks, date or no date, for months. The worst part about the whole thing is that at the beginning of the stupid night I wasn’t thinking it was a date, hoping for a date, or expecting a date. Silly Kassity planted that date seed in my mind and I was ruined.

Good news is the guy and I are totally friends again, although we’ve never once spoken about the “text message incident” ever again. And guy: if you read this- I still feel awkward, please don’t bring it up. Kthanks.

Gracie’s Guide to Being Single: First Dates

Before you start getting all Chicken Tetrazzini on me and saying that I’ve been gone for a while and haven’t been posting and all of that…

Let me begin with an apology:

I know this is lame, but everyone says "awww" to those kittehs, right? Right?

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to talk about one of the things that has been taking up a lot of my time recently: first dates.

 

The dreaded first date is something I wish upon no one, not even my ultimate evil arch nemesis, Luke Walton. So you meet a guy (or in one of my situations, you get set up) and it’s all, ok! Yeah! I’ll get myself out there, totes, this will be fun. And as the hours fly by before the date, the panic sets in. I bet I hate him. I’m sure he’s totally not as cute as I remember. *A million panicky thoughts as I’ve been over before.* Well I would almost consider myself a professional now. I’ve been on 6 first dates in the last 3 months. Professional status, right here. So clearly, I stand in a position to give all of you newbs advice, that I may or may not have learned the hard way, from experience…

Um, yeah, I really don't like this guy. PS I made this picture in May 2009 when the Nuggets were playing the Fakers in the Western Conference championship....

Blind dates are the devil. Avoid them. Who cares if your best friend tells you a romantic story about how her parents who have an awesome marriage met on a blind date. Give me a break, our parents are prehistoric. I’m sure her mom’s dad had to pay a dowry or some sort of gift to her dad’s dad of 20 sheep, 50 gold coins, and 75 acres of land, too. Psh, blind dates, so passé.

 

Conversation topics that should not be brought up are: multiple mentions of cheese and the Colorado Cheese Festivalin November, ninjas and the fact that you once owned a ninja star dart board and ninja stars. Also, don’t tell the story of moving to Texas with the ex, moving him back to Colorado because you pouted every day, then broke up with him once you got him to leave Texas (where he’s from) and then sigh, roll your eyes, and say, “well that’s just a whole other story,” after you’ve pretty much already told him as much of the story as you should ever tell him 2 years into a relationship. Don’t talk about your comic book collection, the fact that you could be deployed at any minute and are really looking for a wife that you can look forward to seeing when you get back in two years, or how much money you make, whether it’s $30k or $100k.

 

What not to wear: a college t-shirt, a sports team t-shirt, a college sports team t-shirt, a conversational t-shirt, a v-neck t-shirt, a damn t-shirt of any kind. COME ON GUYS, is it that hard to put on a button up? Women- find the fine line between looking classy and slutty.

Just say no.

Don’t be late, guys. Women, be 5 minutes late. Enough that he’ll be there first, but not that you look high maintenance. Also- don’t be high maintenance.

 

Do tell him you like to write. Don’t tell him that you’ll probably be tweeting and blogging about this date when you get home/tomorrow.

 

If you get bored, don’t be obvious about pulling supplies out of your emergency Teddy Bear.

Thanks Nikki!

-Call me old fashioned, but dude, pick up the checkon the first date. Dudette, play it cool and say, “you don’t have to do that, thank you.” And don’t act all expecting he should pay.

 

Don’t try to extend a first date into a marathon date with one activity planned after another. Especially without warning.

“So, I had fun! Thanks for dinner!”

“So do you wanna go play mini-golf?”

“Like right now?”

“Yes.”

“Ummmm. I, uh, well, um, I have to get up early. And do laundry. And stuff….”

Don’t tell dead baby jokesuntil you’re 100% certain they don’t have a child at home. Or “Yo Mama” jokes until you know their mom is still alive and isn’t obese, mentally challenged, or otherwise an easy target.

 

Don’t send a text message a couple hours later after you went home and finished a bottle of wine saying:

I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME TONIGHT!!!!! ;- ) Can’t wait to see you soon!!!!!!!!!! :-* Thanks again for dinner!!!!!!!!!!! :- )

Don’t spend half the date telling the other person about your extended stay in the hospital, your newly diagnosed condition, and point out that “no, you’re not seeing things, my skin really is yellow. I have jaundice.”Actually, you shouldn’t even be on a date if you have jaundice.

 

If you want someone to fall for you, you’ve got to give them something worth tripping over. If you follow my advice, then you’ll turn into some sort of snapping turtle that trips up all sorts of desirable people. Guys, it’s really not that hard. And for those who are wondering, yes, I have been on a second date of all those first dates. And a third. I’m like the queen snapping turtle on the beach. Or the queen awkward turtle. That lays out awkwardly in high traffic pathways that causes people to try to avoid me but every now and then trips someone who’s highly vulnerable and not paying attention….

merp.

Dear World….

Dear World,

I don’t want to sound like a slut, but feel free to use me whenever you want.

Hugs and kisses,

Grammar

Sexy Grammar

What a saucy mynx

Chads

Saturday night I made the trip down to Denver for some big city fun. I love living in Boulder because I like to go to bars where I play darts and drink pitchers of PBR and that’s the norm. I hate getting gussied up and getting shoved around by dudes trying to order a drink. But every now and then it’s fun, I guess, to go do something different… right?

Well that was the plan for Saturday night and don’t get me wrong, by the end of the night when we finally met up with our group of friends, we had a baller time. But getting there meant going to my two least favorite bars in Denver first: The Gin Mill and Brother’s Bar. Now Gin Mill isn’t THAT bad, especially since I’m used to the Walrus in Boulder. And they have popcorn. I like popcorn. But Brother’s Bar, that’s a whole ‘nother story. I don’t know what it is. Do they have a neon sign outside that I missed that says, “Chad’s and Skanks! Come to this bar! Your people and all the douchiness that comes along with you are welcome here!”

I got pushed, shoved, stepped on, and overall abused. And you know what else? Not one guy hit on me either. So I say to Brother’s Bar, “Screw you.”

Now here is a picture of my cat looking oh so cuddly and soft and not at all evil (except you can still kind of see the darkness in her eyes):