Category Archives: Sports

The New New Workout Plan

Anything Kanye does, I can do better. With that being said, I present to you “Gracie’s New New Workout Plan.” No I don’t have a music video to go with it, just my really awesome and talented illustrations:

Step One: Put on a pair of elastic band pants.

Step Two: Pour yourself a glass of wine. I prefer a 2010 Franzia White Zin, but this part is totally up to your individual desires.

I drew this box of Franzia completely from memory. I'm a little concerned with how accurate it is...

Step Three: Sit on the couch. Then find your favorite program on TV. I really like doing this exercise while watching Biggest Loser. However, it can’t be a show On Demand. You’ll need the commercial breaks. More on that in a bit.

Step Four: Shake Weight for 10 minutes. I know it says you only have to do it for 6 minutes. But that’s for people who are exceptionally lazy.

Gracie's New New Workout even works for guys drinking beer!

Step Five: 100 leg lifts. It helps if you have a coffee table the same height as your couch.

Yes, I realize my couch looks like a big green blob.

Step Six: Lay down on the couch and stick your legs in the air. Every commercial break, do crunches until your show comes back on.

Step Seven: Stretch it out. Touch your toes, arms over the head, glute exercise. Kill your glass of wine.

Aaaaaaaaaand congratulations you just completed Gracie’s New New Workout. You’re feeling amazing, aren’t you?

Suck it, Kanye.


Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!

Which old witch? The Hawkins witch! Ding dong the witch is dead at last!

Alright, we all woke up to the good, no great, no ABOUT DAMN TIME news this morning. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. Dan Hawkins is out as the head coach of the University of Colorado Golden Buffalo football team. Can I get a whoop whoop!?

Brian Cabral, who has been with the team since 1989 as linebackers coach, will serve as the interim coach until a new head coach is hired.

So, what is the “right” reaction as a fan? Well obviously, the whoop whoop I just requested. And to show up on Saturday. Get there early and watch Ralphie run. Cheer your little hearts out. We called for his head and now that we have it, we need to do our part. Let’s cheer on our Buffs and kick the doodie (that’s for you mom) out of Iowa State. Game’s at 11:30, so get up early to get your drinking in. And don’t forget, you always have half time too.


PS This song is the first thing that came on my Curtis Mayfield Pandora station this morning. Soooo fitting!


Grinds My Gears- Go Coach Intramurals, Brother.

I know this is soooo not what my blog is about anymore. But I had to do it. I HAD to.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Dan Hawkins.

Ok, ok. I know it’s a way overdue post. I’ve kind of been sitting back, silently hating this man, afraid of karmic consequences of releasing the fury of wrath I feel for him. But the time has come. I don’t think I can stand to see ONE.MORE.QUOTE. regarding “it’s not about winning or losing.” Hey Sloppkins- It ain’t intramurals, brother.

My intramurals basketball team, The Cleaveland Steamers, took winning more seriously than he does. And you want to know what? We won the Coed Basketball Open League (for you couch potatoes, that’s the highest league) CHAMPIONSHIP every semester. That’s what happens when it’s not just about “character” and you give two sh*ts about winning!

“It’s not whether you win. It’s not whether you lose. It’s who you are and how you operate. … There are going to be some things in your life not so good, and how you deal with that is really, really important.

The great thing is, I think they hang to that message and they cling to that message and they believe in that message.”-Dan Hawkins

You know what message I, the ticket holder, the fan, believe in? Winning football games. I believe in recruiting 5-Star athletes that would love to come and play at Folsom Field against some of the greatest football teams in the country in the new Pac-12. I believe in lobbying the powers-that-be into more lenient academic standards for athletes so that we can compete. I believe in rushing the field when we upset the number 3 ranked BCS team and not when we beat an unranked, pathetic SEC team and “making a tradition” out of it. I believe in being a class act and stepping down when I know that, Godammit I tried, but I just can’t help this team anymore. I believe in taking the blame when I am at fault.

But hell, Hawkins isn’t any better than any of the skeezy politicians we elected yesterday. I wouldn’t be surprised if instead of going off to coach some unknown D2 school (if they’ll take him), the Hawk enters politics. It’s much more suited for him anyways.

Let’s get the People’s Choice in here, Eric Bienemy and start doing something.