Category Archives: Television

Things longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

After 72 long and tumultuous days, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from whatever guy she was married to for publicity.

This woman is such a joke and her entire life is a scam. Since she doesn’t take it seriously, I thought, why should I? Let’s have some fun with this.

Trending on Twitter is #Thingslongerthankimsmarriage and there really are some gems.

Here are some of my favorites from Twitter, some of my own, and some from people I know:

Things longer than Kim’s marriage…….
…. Amy Winehouse’s sobriety
…. Rebecca Black’s singing career
…. Kim Kardashian’s E! wedding special
…. My droid’s battery life
…. Ebner’s hair

Kyle Ebner

Smooth as a baby's buttom

…. The 2011 NBA season
…. Victoria Beckham’s grocery list

Victoria Beckham "grocery shopping"

I hope she keeps a detailed list for the items she needs...

…. Phone conversations with my half-deaf Pop-Pop
…. My most recent bender
…. A Dicky V “Baaaaaby!”
…. The amount of time Taylor Swift had The VMA Best Female Video Award in her hand before Kayne took it.
…. A flight from Denver to Colorado Springs
…. The world “ridiculous” (and the amount of time it takes some people to figure out how to spell it)
…. Sarah Jessica Parker’s face

SJP long face

Too easy....

…. A Broncos’ offensive drive led by Tim Tebow

If you have some others, please, PLEASE share them in the comments. This whole thing is cracking me up.

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The Perils of the Perpetually Pasty

As another summer weekend is quickly approaching full of bikini’s, shorts, and summer dresses, I sink into my usual depression. My iridescent, glow in the dark, you-can-see-my-pores-they’re-so-white, legs come to mind and how I can mask their blinding aura.

I feel like this all comes from 14 years of playing soccer and wearing shin guards and socks up to my knees and all skin cells capable of receiving a tan were killed along with my dreams of Olympic greatness…

I’ve tried tanning beds which give me a nice bronzen glow from the mid-thigh up.

Hungry Tanning Bed

Maybe I need to make more sacrifices to this guy

I’ve tried spray tans and gel tans and cream tans and use-them-over-time-and-eventually-you’ll-get-tan lotion tans and I get streaks, orange, or continued pastiness.

The only thing that has ever seemed to work was a bottle of Sally Hansen “Airbrush Legs, Leg Makeup” that a friend of mine had bought to give her the fake, dramatic look for a Jersey Shore party. It took putting on makeup for legs to finally achieve any sense of tan on my lower extremities. But of course, after a drunken night in a sweaty club and an impromptu trip down to the beach in San Diego, the tan washed away like the lingering respect Italians have for Americans will after the Jersey Shore films their newest season there.

Look at that natural glow I've got going on!

I know I shouldn’t care. I know that there is a certain level of elegance in rocking the fair complexion, Snow White thing, but I do that September-May. Why can’t I have a kick ass head to toe tan just for a few months. I don’t even want to look ethnic, I just don’t want to look sick. Is that too much to ask?!?! Apparently, because come 5:00, I’m stripping off these jeans and throwing on a miniskirt, so you better be clad with dark sunglasses, in case my blinding legs come your way.

Vote for Pedro!

Today, my fellow Americans, I urge you to vote.

Vote YES on Proposition 666. If passed it will give all red blooded patriots the right to kick the shins of any women who has gained any sort of fame or fortune from the Bravo series, “Real Housewives.”

Please also vote on Proposition 200001 which would allow for electric currents to be sent through politicians everytime they lie.

And finally, please vote for Wyclef Jean as the new President of Haiti. I really do believe that being an international pop star is perfect preparation for leading a country that is in peril and dismay. “Gone til November 2010!”

TEAM EDWARD!!!!

Is MTV Glorifying Teen Pregnancy?

Pretty much every “mom blog” on the internet has been buzzing about Teen Mom and whether or not their teenagers are contemplating getting pregnant because it could be a fast track to their 15 minutes of fame. What happened to wanting to get pregnant to keep the loser boyfriend from breaking up with you? Shucks, I miss the old days….

Don’t get me wrong, I watch Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant and all that jazz. But I’m 23. By no means settled enough to care for a child, but I have a high school diploma and I’ve been to college. And to be honest, those poor teenagers are the best form of birth control I’ve used in a really, really long time.

So here’s the question, are these television shows as effective to other 16 year olds? Are silly band-clad teenieboppers finding it as unattractive as I? Or is MTV glamorizing and encouraging teen pregnancy?

As far as statistics go, the answer is no. Teen pregnancy is on the decline. But! But! What about those bright and intelligent high school girls in Massachusetts who started a pregnancy pact club after watching the show! I saw that movie on Lifetime not too long ago! MTV totally made those girls want to do that! Pull your panties out of your butt, the whole controversy happened 2 years before the first episode of 16 and Pregnant even aired. Those dumb girls came up with the brilliant idea all by their lonesome.

Here’s what I think; kids with bad parenting, poor and/or inaccurate sex education, or no access to safe birth control methods are going to do dumb shit, regardless if MTV makes a TV show about it or not. For the most part, 16 year old girls want to go to prom, graduate high school, and then sleep with frat boys when they get to college. A TV show isn’t going to change that. Besides, if we really worried about reality television influencing our youth, we’d have a bunch more gay fashion designers, chefs, wannabe models and dancers and fewer pregnant teenagers, which would be a-ok with me!