I did a lot of embarrassing things in first grade, like the time I puked in front of my whole class, I accidentally kicked a kid in the head while on the monkey bars and gave him a concussion, locked the boy I liked in a closet until he would kiss me… yeah I was such a vixen even at age 6.
That was all pretty bad, but the most embarrassing thing that happened to me in first grade, I didn’t even do. I was in music class and we all sat Indian Style – which I can guarantee they don’t call it that anymore because the Boulder parents had to have eventually complained that it was culturally insensitive…. Oh Boulder how I love and loathe thee. Anyways, we would sit cross-legged in rows while we sang, listened to the crazy teacher sing and tell crazy stories, play instruments, all the fun things that 6 year olds do.
Well, one day as we sat there, the boy behind me farted while the room was completely silent. Instead of just ignoring it, my crazy-ass music teacher throws her head up with her crazy curly hair and screeches, “WHO DID THAT???”
Of course, the classroom full of 5 and 6 year olds burst into a giggle fit because not only is farting hilarious, but a teacher demanding to know who did it is even more riotous. So here is where it gets bad, I turned around to look at the perpetrator, when I saw him (in dramatic slow motion) pull his hand up and point at me and say, “GRACIE DID IT!” Which then threw the entire classroom into an even more uproarious fit. I immediately proclaimed with tears starting to well up in my eyes, “It wasn’t me!” At which my crazy music teacher replied, “Gracie, take responsibility for your actions so we can just move on.” Me: “Bbbbb…bbbbut, I swear. It wwwww…wwwasn’t me!” Crazy music teacher: “Gracie, this isn’t funny. I’m going to deduct star points from the day if you don’t just admit to passing gas in my classroom.” Now listen here. Star points meant everything. And I was such a goody two-shoes that the thought of losing a single star point threw me into hysterics. So with tears streaming down my face I finally said in the quietest, little girl voice ever, “It was me. I farted.” The entire class roared and started chanting, “GRACIE FARTED! GRACIE FARTED!” I had to hear that chant for the rest of the day, but you better believe I had full star points for the day as well. And luckily first graders have short term memories and by the next day everyone had forgotten. I didn’t. Obviously, I still haven’t.
To Be Announced 